Homesick

Well I have to say I knew it had to come sooner or later... I hoped it would have been more later than sooner.

After my vacation in England I slowly became more and more homesick. The day after I returned to Belgium was Remembrance Day, not exactly the easiest day to go through with out family. Then as the week progressed I just couldn't shake it. I would cry over nothing and everything because apparently everything reminded me of home from cream cheese which I would eat at home to seeing dogs, I have two dogs at home, to eating chocolate, which my mom could tell if I had any. let's just
say everything mad me sad...

It was unlike any sadness that I have ever felt or that I could have predicted. Usually when I'm sad I cry, I don't even want to get out of bed when it's really bad. This may sound melodramatic, but it's true... and I will go on and on because I want to share ever aspect of this exchange as well as let all the potential exchangers who I hope are reading this blog can some what know or at least be aware that homesickness is more then a possibility but a certainty. If you read any part of this post please read the last paragraph.

For some background information my life here is completely different, not different that its like a different world or that one or two things are dramatically different. It's more like everything ranges from ever so slightly to noticeably different, with a few things that are VERY different. One of those very different things is my family life. In Canada for my family nothing is more important then family EVER, here we never start or finish dinner together, as an example.

During my vacation to London, I stayed with my mom's cousin and her family. To be honest I barely remember her but she was willing and excited to have me. This feeling of being wanted... let's just say that it had become a stranger to me... I spent the majority of my vacation doing Canadian family things, eating together, going to the kids soccer games and practices. It was a family life that was more familiar. It was on of the best things to happen so far, if not the best!

Before I left I told myself ever week that things would get better, and each week it did not. So I told myself that I would use this break as a chance to step back and analyze my situation and what to do...
 I decided that I would talk to my host mom about how I was feeling... yada yada...
I did that, and after crying many tears with my host mom, I felt better, but I find here that words are not always followed by actions...

The next day after I got back was Remeberance day, a day that is very important to me. Needless to say that was not easy to face alone for the first time. Then followed the hard conversation with my host mom, then a series of activities that just made me cry.

So I did what Rotary told me before leaving and upon arriving here; When you get homesick don't seclude yourself or talk to much with people from home, just immerse yourself in your surroundings.
EASIER SAID THAN DONE!!!
I tried to spend more time out in the main part of the house, didn't do anything in a house where everyone is very much independent and likes to keep it that way... I went to a concert band concert, to a community event, tried to stay more and talk more with Belgian friends... I cried/ felt worse after everythings and every night!
It was more than just crying, I wasn't eating, I was lethargic, I was colder than usual... I never thought that homesickness could cause all of that!!

After about a week I wasn't crying as much, then as the days continued some of the other things left. I was still sad but it was under control.

I was still somewhat lethargic, and I having to tell myself that I needed to eat, weeks later, I just had no drive to do anything beyond the normal or what I was told.
My Dad in Canada was starting to get worried that I was becoming depressed. We talk and I could not deny it once I thought about it. He told me that I just need to be doing stuff, making bracelets or reading, but just to sitmulate my mind.
I guess it was because of my situation here, my homesickness was gone but my less than ideal surroundings were still there.

Right now I am brushing out more hair than normal, and I don't really have an appetite (other than chocolate;P)  I'm stressed in a way that I can not fully control but  things will get better.

I was asked by a Rotarian if I wanted to go home just as I was getting over being homesick. I thought about it for a moment then said no. I would feel as if I had failed because everything here is not perfect. School is great, village life stinks, and my family life is difficult, I don't want to leave even if it was the better decision unless every thing was good or else I would feel like I didn't give it my all and that I was giving up. My entire year can't be like this so why would I give up before the good stuff.